2010: Year of Dating Failure. Failure #1: 'Exes as Friends'

NB This rant could also be classified under 'Don't Date Outside Your Type' or 'Don't Date Someone With Crazy Protective Friends.'

1. B apologises for being MIA (missing in action, though am thinking of changing this acronym, as earlier noted, to 'men indecision angst'). Halloween seemed an appropriate time to sit down and finally write a post because, frighteningly, it's when retailers decide it's time to put up Christmas decorations, which means it's nearly Christmas, which mean this year is nearly over.

For me, it has been a year of huge learning curves. Unfortunately, this has involved much 'learning through making mistakes;' the saying I always used to quote self righteously but secretly hoped would happen to other people, so I could watch and learn that way. Confusion has reigned and mistakes have been plentiful: keeping contact with an ex, attempting a one-night stand when it's against my nature, friends with benefits or 'dodgy friends,' telling an ex I've moved on, telling an ex I HAVEN'T moved on, dating several people at once, breaking up with soomeone for reasons unknown even to myself, making promises before being sure and, clearly, OV.ER.THINK.ING.

I wouldn't even know where to start with this mess (and in truth would still be too daunted to begin writing) if it wasn't for an upsetting experience last Saturday night. After breaking up a few months ago, stupidly on my part, my Sydney ex and I attempted to be 'friends' - I missed his company, he missed mine, we're both new in a big city, I've been having a rough time since we broke up, etc etc. Don't even say what you're thinking - I know. But, initially, it all started out so positively! - I sent him a thoughtful gift for his birthday, he sent me a kind card on mine, we met for dinner and drinks and, amazingly, managed to neither hook up nor yell at each other. Upon parting, I felt much better seeing my tradesman again; he texted that he hadn't realised how much he missed me and tentatively invited me to a concert in Bondi, with a group of mutual acquaintances that were moving over.

OK, back story over. Part two: when the shit hit the fan. Morning of the concert and I had msigivings. However, I had (thank god) declined to meet up with his group of close guy mates, who had my concert ticket, and instead raced across the city from work to meet with our girl acquaintances. I received copious amounts of wine, a girly pep talk and a hairstyle change, and made it to the concert with a positive outlook. Several awkward hellos and hugs later, I had managed to greet the entire group of guys and my ex, without altercation.

The concert was great and I behaved myself - ie I didn't sluz on to my ex (even though I wasn't over him, and also very tipsy), I didn't sluz on to his friends (also possible after a few (hundred) wines), and was friendly but uninvasive. Sadly, I'd forgotten that a) drunk girl acquaintances with male interests are prone to abandon the club and b) drunk males are highly aggressive and protective creatures. Innocently chatting to the one guy in the group with any morality, I was approached by the worst of bunch and publicly lambasted for breaking up with his friend to get back together with my ex (wrong). I yelled back (rather than sensibly removing myself from the situation), yet soon gave up, as any scathing or witty gems would only be wasted on one of the world's most dense individuals.

More true to the point, I was busy casting wild glances around for my now dissipated posse, who'd all gone running after male interests of their own. Shit! - friendless. This is when trashy friend #2 blindsided me with a few obscenities along the lines of I am a bitch and a whore and need to leave. Now, I feel I've toughened considerably in the past year, but when you're 5 foot nothing and the smallest person in the room, a group of drunk, aggro blue-collar NZ men yelling at you is not ideal. Luckily I was saved by the one normal guy, who had to physically stand in between the boys and I, and took me outside and gave me a hug. He was consequently attacked for this.

What was my drunk 'ex/friend' doing while this was going down? Sitting watching, letting it happen. Occasionally making gestures indicating that I should leave. Friends, I think not. I would go so far to say that is a Friendship Fail. Is this ever excusable? Am I perhaps being too precious with this? I was fairly appalled and could not ever imagine any of my guy friends doing that to a girl in public, regardless of what they'd done. Not impressed at all. For years I've wished my life was more like The Hills. Drama drama drama!

I was persuaded to post this for its cathartic powers. Sorry it is such drivel but I do feel better!

B

The Crumbling Edge of the Cliff

Ah, the expectations of a new relationship. The fun, the excitement, the new experiences with a new person. Unfortunately, you also leave out the complications to life that it brings. Not that I would ever call my own life 'ordered'- but it does run in an typically chaotic state which is me. As feared in 'Dawn of a New Age' HE has added an extra element to my chaotic life which has resulted in some conflict. This is what I have learnt thus far:

- HE gets mad if I blow him off after organizing to catch up that night because I am tired (apparently he was looking forward to it all day).

- HE is not impressed if I turn up at 2am after deciding to have drinks after telling him I am too tired to go round earlier.

- HE does not like chatting away on the phone for any longer than approximately 2 minutes (unlike myself who can talk the hind leg off a donkey).

- HE takes work off on the off-chance I may stay the night or vice versa without telling me, so when I make him leave so I can enjoy an undisturbed sleep, HE is not impressed.

- HE does not think it is a "big-deal" when he 'forgets' to introduce me to some acquaintance he bumps into while I am with him (don't worry HE will not make that mistake again).

- HE is "still learning" about the whole relationship thing. Yeah I get HE is trying his best...but speed it up a little please!

When did life get so complicated? Actually, to be more precise, when did it become a pain in the ass! I must confess I have several times decided to break up with HIM. While it may seem like a cop-out, I just don't think it should be hard in such early stages. Anyway, despite some rather angry words from me- we are still going. It is like the closer I come to ending things, the more HE picks his act up.

Am I being too hasty? Unrealistic? What pains me is that when we do go our separate ways, I will leave behind a much more refined gentleman than what once existed.

Damn.

A ramble by S.

The 'Right Now' Boyfriend

This is a relatively old term which has recently been revived.... It has come out of several of my friends mouths about their current 'squeezes', and it makes me think: How do you know when you have a 'right now' boyfriend or one which will go the distance?

So naturally I Googled. I found "10 Signs He is A Long Term Boyfriend":

1. HE REMEMBERS THE LITTLE THINGS
2. HE TELLS YOU WHY HE CAN'T ACCEPT CHEATING
3. HE'S A FAMILY MAN
4. HE MAKES YOU LAUGH
5. HE DROPS EVERYTHING WHEN YOU NEED HIM
6. HE CAN MAKE YOU ORGASM (IN MULTIPLES)
7. HE'S A STRONG PROTECTIVE MAN
8. HE'S HONEST EVEN WHEN IT HURTS
9. HE PREFERS TO HANG OUT WITH YOU
10.HE'S ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE

Really? This is a list from someone who has thought about what their dream man would be like. I think we are all guilty of this. However, this particular long timer sounds like a bit of a sissy to me. If that is the alternative- I will stick with my right-now man thank you.

With that, I suppose the right now man is fun, but a little irresponsible and probably has annoying habits which mean that you cannot see beyond the short term.
Essentially, he will fill the gap left by a former boyfriend....he will provide light relief from a bad day, and he most obviously takes away the stigma of being the dreaded SINGLE. I have found that although I became rather fond of being on my lonesome so to speak, that is rare. I also must admit that that question, you know the one; "So how's your love life?", makes me fume- especially when the person asking knows damn well there is ziltch happening!

So what then is bad about having a right now boyfriend? Perhaps it is merely the mindset which causes you to shut yourself off from the possibility he could be more, or more likely it means that you are shutting yourself off from meeting someone better.

There. I said it. It all comes back to SETTLING. Are we settling by getting into a relationship with someone who is less than husband material?

I am guilty of the above. It has probably crossed my mind that I am currently enjoying one of the right now men... as such I have not even curbed my awful behaviour...instead I am slowly training him into accepting me as I am and it is going swimmingly.

EXAMPLE: Being picked up on a Saturday night and then requiring him to pull over as I wrench the door open and throw up out onto the road. The incident was glossed over like it was the norm. Hmmm. He just laughed and said he wasn't sure if he should have held my hair or what. I did not feel inclined to tell him that I was a seasoned pro in that area and I had it well covered.

I also do ponder whether the man in question is required to know the longevity of the relationship. As I can slowly see my own lad gathering speed in the attachment area, I wonder if I should wait or lay it down that I do not plan on a future beyond some fun for the short term!


Love S (who is currently picking up the slack from B)

The Dawn of a New Age

So the impossible has occurred: I am no longer 'sad in the city'.

Yes, that's right, somehow despite many, many mistakes I have stumbled my way into a relationship. *Shudder* The word itself is foreign to me. The problem lies with the fact I have been single for approximately 2 years. Hence, singledom is not so much a way of life as an entire lifestyle choice.
It was an excuse to do silly things, be selfish, do what ever I liked- when I liked, have the entire bed to myself unless I decided I wanted company...basically the focus was on ME ME ME.

Now there is someone else.

It is like being an only child then discovering your parents have had another child. Suddenly friends ask how HE is, what dates HE has taken me on lately, and I have to take what HE wants into consideration.

Of course this is purely coming from the old single me...there are many more positive aspects of being in, well you know what, I don't need to state 'that' word again. I mean somehow HE has gone further than all the rest and proven himself to be worthy. In this worthiness, there is an endearing quality of wanting to impress me...I thought that was supposed to stop once you got locked into something. Not in his case. It makes me not mind so much about having to give up my selfish pastimes of drinking and behaving like a shameless hussy (not a bad thing to give up in retrospect), of watching sad movies alone at night with only a large sack of lollies and/or chocolate as my companion, and of being cynical towards the entire male species. HE has seemingly achieved the unthinkable.

Haha, the worst part is that I am only semi-joking here. I have an entrenched mindset which has become a large part of me over the last 2 years.

It will mean no more horror stories about the crazies I attract, no more laughing with friends over terrible letters and cards which I once accumulated without trying, no more angst whether I like a new potential or not, no more excitement in the early stages of a new romance replayed over and over as they keep coming.

I will be one of those smug, happy people who just shake their heads at the loose actions of their single sect of friends- secretly a little jealous they have nothing to contribute to the gossip session.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....

Am I ready for this new age? Am I merely being over-dramatic as a result of trying to deal with a long-forgotten aspect of myself? Or should I run, run fast and far away from the RELATIONSHIP before it is too late?

Love S